What is Narcissistic Gaslighting?

Thanks to social media, certain psychology terms can suddenly go viral. These days, it seems you can’t avoid conversations about narcissism and gaslighting. In theory, this can be a good thing. Awareness is vital, but so is accuracy. In order to have a healthy discussion about important topics, we need to establish some baselines. In this post, we’ll lay out some basics about narcissistic gaslighting.

Narcissism is a diagnosable mental health disorder. Gaslighting is a pattern of manipulative and abusive tactics. Put them together, and you’ll be in a situation that requires some professional support. Anyone can be victimized by techniques like this. Self-education makes this less likely.

Perhaps the best way to illustrate what this term means is to offer concrete — and all-too-common — examples of what it looks and feels like.

Signs of Narcissistic Gaslighting

Lack of empathy: What you think, feel, or need is of no concern to a narcissist. So, they silence and dismiss you by casually disregarding what you say or how you act. This lowers your self-esteem and makes you someone even easier to gaslight.
Lying: Yes, gaslighting is a form of lying. For example, a narcissist may reframe the past to make it look like you said or did something problematic. You’re left confused and defensive.
Mockery: If you try to correct the story, you will be literally mocked.
Distraction: If their false narratives begin to unravel, they often divert and derail into different topics and issues. The goal is to make you feel that you’re the one who has everything mixed up.
Minimizing: No matter what happens to you, the narcissist in your life will downplay it — making you look unreliable, oversensitive, or unstable.
Spreading misinformation: A narcissist will try to become the one who knows the “real” you. They tell others that you’re “crazy” or “insensitive.” People then look askance at you instead of the narcissist.
Isolation: If the narcissist is your partner, it very much works in their favor to keep you isolated. This way, you can’t share your story, and others more easily believe what the narcissist is saying about you.

When you are gaslighted by a narcissist, you:

Second-guess yourself
Apologize a lot — even when you know you didn’t do anything wrong
Try to “fix” yourself so you don’t match what the narcissist says about you
Feel unhappy and unsettled
Question your worth
Worry if you are losing your mind

Left unchecked, a narcissistic gaslighter can turn your life into a nightmare. Fortunately, if the information rings a bell, there are powerful steps you can take.

How to Deal With Narcissistic Gaslighting

Learn More About the Tactic

Self-education can help you identify when you’re being played. When the narcissist in your life goes into their act, you can recognize and name what they’re doing and consciously identify what the truth of that particular situation is.

Set and Enforce Firm Boundaries

This may not only slow down the gaslighting, but it can also help you reclaim your self-confidence. You can directly speak such boundaries into existence to the narcissist. Also, this can be something you journal about and then put into action.

Practice Self-Love

As much as you’ll want the narcissist to admit what they’re doing and maybe even apologize, that typically does not happen. Therefore, you must focus on yourself. Practice self-care, talk to trusted friends and family members, and connect with a mental health professional. Self-preservation is the utmost goal when dealing with narcissistic gaslighting.

Dealing with a narcissistic gaslighter is very challenging to do on your own. If you feel this is happening in your life, I invite you to reach out for couples or trauma counseling as soon as possible.

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