The Overlap Between Codependency and Narcissism
Narcissism and codependency have become popular buzzwords over the past couple of years. However, social media posts rarely equate to useful knowledge. In the case of these two terms, it’s rarely discussed that there is an association and overlap to consider. Such an interplay may at first seem counterintuitive, but, in reality, it’s a toxic connection that should be explored.
For starters, narcissism (a diagnosable disorder) and codependency (observed patterns of behaviors) share some similar needs. How each group fulfills those needs can lead to a counterproductive form of symbiosis. Think of it like puzzle pieces that fit — for some very unhealthy reasons. Let’s learn more about both groups now.
Recognizing Narcissism
As I’ve written about previously, there are some recognizable signs of narcissism. For example:
Deep need for attention: The attention of others is their fuel, and the desire for this fuel is never fully satisfied.
Victim mentality: In the name of fulfilling their deep need for attention, they position themselves as victims in every situation.
Lack of empathy: When caught up in their own emotions and needs, a narcissist only gives the bare minimum of validation to those in their life. For example, don’t expect authentic apologies from someone who doesn’t understand or acknowledge your individuality.
Palpable mood swings: Things can move from love bombing to verbal abuse and back again all day long.
Dominating conversations: They give lectures and speak in monologues.
Virtually no friends: As you can imagine after reading this list, narcissists appear to be loners. They may want to be surrounded by “fans,” but their behavior chases people away. This reality is used to fulfill their status as a “victim.”
Recognizing Codependency
Generally speaking, a codependent connection is made up of a caretaker and a taker. Here’s a little to know about each role:
Caretaker
Gains meaning in their life by sacrificing for others to the point of assuming the role of martyr.
Always claiming to be “too busy” to practice self-care.
They feel uncomfortable being on the receiving end.
They feel uncomfortable saying “no.”
If they cannot meet the needs of someone else, they become highly stressed.
Taker
A deep need for attention and approval.
Will use learned helplessness to manipulate potential caretakers.
Don’t try to learn basic skills because the caretaker will do it for them.
Derives happiness by believing that someone is so dedicated to them.
A “taker” can appear like a narcissist to an outside observer.
The Overlap Between Codependency and Narcissism
A codependent has a strong desire to be needed. A narcissist craves a sense of being important. As you can see, these needs overlap. The specifics vary, and the behaviors can differ immensely. However, at their core, there is a clear overlap that must be taken into account when dealing with a scenario like this. Put simply, codependency and narcissism are two different roads aiming to reach the same destination.
Neither group has a functional sense of self. For the codependent, this plays out with a hyper-focus on others, distracting them from any struggle they have with establishing their identity. A narcissist, on the other hand, flips the script and works to make everything about themselves. They mistakenly believe that the attention this garners will help them understand who they are at a deeper level.
Of course, we all have struggles. In the age of social media, we can get caught up in presenting façades to outsiders. That doesn’t automatically make you a narcissist or codependent. But if you found things hitting close to home as you read this post, it makes sense to talk with a professional. A seasoned couples therapist can help you explore your thoughts and behaviors in a healthy, productive manner.
