What is a Codependency Triangle?
In a culture dominated by “content,” it can be tricky to discern what a healthy relationship should look and feel like. Two people who look like soulmates could possibly be caught up in a codependency triangle. Yep, even if two people are in love and have good intentions, their connection can be hijacked by dysfunction.
While codependency is not an official diagnosis, it is a common and unhealthy pattern of behaviors. In a codependent situation, both partners consciously and unconsciously measure their self-worth based on their relationship. You might say they’re addicted to being in a relationship — but for different reasons. The roles they play make up the codependency triangle.
More About Codependency and the Codependency Triangle
It can sound romantic when two people finish each other’s sentences and claim to “complete” each other. More often than not, the couple that does everything together is limiting their individual freedom. Generally speaking, one partner is a taker who relies heavily on the other for approval and support. They crave this attention and exhibit learned helplessness.
Parallel to these realities, the second partner is a caretaker who steps up to play the martyr role — even to an extremely unhealthy point. Once again, at first glance, you might perceive such a couple as a perfect match. Upon closer examination, you could see signs of a codependency triangle in action.
The 3 Points of the Triangle
In a codependency triangle, both the taker and the caretaker step into three possible roles:
Victims: The helpless partner has stopped trying to be competent. Even if they are more than capable, the dynamic of their relationship has erased that reality. Therefore, they become trapped in the position of waiting for someone to rescue them.
Rescuers: The victim may look more needy, but the reaching partner is just as dependent on being needed. They derive self-worth from doing everything for someone else — especially a loved one.
Persecutors: This is a subset of the victim/taker role. While it may be comforting to be so loved that their partner does everything for them, this situation will eventually breed discontent. Every time the rescuer swoops in, it is a clear reminder of their own weakness. The result is resentment aimed at the person they love.
Behaviors You’ll Commonly Experience in a Codependency Triangle
You feel out of control and confused. Your feelings are often hurt, and both of you are easily triggered. You know something is “off,” but you can’t (or won’t) identify it. The outcome is a boatload of self-pity. All three triangle roles can lead to feeling under-appreciated.
A Few Self-Help Steps To Consider
1. Practice Taking Responsibility — With Compassion
No one wins if this becomes a blame game. But, for starters, at least one of you needs to lead by example. You both need to be direct and honest about your feelings and why. From there, you can each take responsibility, leaving some needs (yours and your partner’s) unmet.
2. Set Strong Boundaries
In the throes of a codependency triangle, you can lose sight of where you end and your partner begins. But the healthiest relationships all have strong boundaries, and they will enforce those boundaries. Setting boundaries can be easier said than done, but in the presence of an unbiased couples therapist, you can learn how to set boundaries and enforce them.
3. Commit to Self-Care
Breaking free from a codependency triangle is a challenge. You’ll need endurance and resilience. Daily self-care can help build up those attributes. At the same time, this regimen has anti-codependency properties. A victim/persecutor can relearn how to fend for themselves. For a rescuer, it’s a path toward nurturing your own needs, not just your partner’s.
Breaking a codependent cycle is difficult but not impossible. Working with a licensed therapist can help get your relationship back to a healthy place. Contact our office today to see how couples counseling can help you on this journey.
