Toxic Codependency — What Does It Mean?
Codependency can sneak up on any relationship. What begins as a healthy connection can slowly transform into an overreliance on each other in a very dysfunctional — and yes, toxic — way. It’s not that partners shouldn’t rely on one another. The key lies in learning how to maintain a productive balance when it comes to how our needs are met.
Codependency is not a clinical diagnosis. Basically, it’s a set of behaviors that both partners have learned. One goes overboard to keep the other happy. But the one who appears to get all the attention ends up feeling resentment for losing agency over their life. It’s insidious but can be addressed, so let’s examine some specifics.
What is Toxic Codependency?
A relationship that has shifted into toxic codependency involves a taker and a caretaker. This dynamic can occur for a wide range of reasons and is far more common than most folks realize. Whatever the underlying reasons might be, on the surface, the behaviors of a codependent couple can appear to be beneficial for both. On closer examination, we can discern something darker.
The caretaker tends to:
Always be “too busy” to worry about themselves
Gains a sense of purpose when sacrificing their own needs
Has difficulty saying “no.”
Play a martyr role and suffer when they believe they cannot meet their partner’s perceived needs
Meanwhile, a taker will:
Desire for approval and attention
Operate from a place of learned helplessness
Eventually, stop trying to help themselves
Express resentment over lacking control
These two dysfunctional mindsets fit together like puzzle pieces and can appear to an outsider to be signs of a particularly close couple. Meanwhile, the two partners surrender the ability to function independently as if they are addicted to their relationship. Such an imbalance causes strife that seems to appear out of nowhere.
Common Signs of Toxic Codependency
While the following signs are not automatically apparent to the couple, they can be parsed out in the presence of a skilled therapist.
Fear of Abandonment and Rejection: Both partners maintain their roles for fear that doing otherwise will result in their partner leaving them. This can manifest in a lack of boundaries because, they believe, boundaries can create conflict and, ultimately, being rejected.
Loss of Identity: By focusing so much on the other, they lose touch with themselves.
Loss of Independence: A codependent couple does very little socializing and tends to do everything together.
Manipulative Communication: A common example is passive aggression.
Worry: What does my partner really think about me? Are they planning to leave soon?
Stagnancy: Left unchecked, all of the above can leave a couple feeling trapped. They stop being intimate, feel under-appreciated, and think they are responsible for each other’s happiness. Something is obviously wrong, but they can’t name it.
Can You Overcome Toxic Codependency?
Yes, but it requires self-awareness. Therapy is an ideal way to start exposing the patterns that seem to be invisible. With commitment and guidance, both partners can:
Accept that a major change is desperately needed
Enhance their communication skills
Set, respect, and enforce healthy boundaries
Breakthroughs Happen
Toxic codependency is not a life sentence. It’s a pattern that any couple can fall into. There is no shame in losing your way; fortunately, you can recover and thrive again. In the safe space of a therapy room, both partners can learn how to recognize the habits that cause damage to their bond. They can also start naming their own needs and become self-reliant in the pursuit of meeting these needs.
If codependency has touched your life, I can help guide you to a new, healthier path. Reach out to learn more about couples therapy.
