Signs of Unhealed Attachment Trauma in Everyday Life

As children, we look to our caregivers to provide safety, warmth, and love. When our parents consistently meet our needs, we build a strong attachment to them. Attachment trauma happens when those needs aren’t met. You may have felt neglected, unloved, shamed, belittled, or unsafe at home.

Growing up with a parent who struggles with mental health issues, substance abuse, or even life-threatening or chronic illness can also lead to attachment issues. Even if your caregivers weren’t abusive or didn’t face hardships, you could have still developed insecure attachments as a child.

Here are several signs of unhealed attachment trauma in your everyday life.

1. Fear of Abandonment

One of the hallmark signs of unhealed attachment trauma is a deep fear of abandonment. This fear manifests in a few ways: clinginess in relationships, an intense need for reassurance, or avoiding close relationships altogether.

You might constantly worry about being left behind or rejected, which can put pressure on your relationships with family, friends, and partners.

2. Difficulty Setting Boundaries

Those with attachment trauma often struggle with setting and maintaining boundaries in relationships. This means you might tend to either overstep other people’s boundaries or have difficulty setting your own.

It stems from inconsistent caregivers who didn’t model good boundary-setting. Because relationships need healthy boundaries to survive, this behavior can be incredibly damaging.

3. Low Self-Esteem

Attachment trauma can deeply impact a person’s sense of self-worth and identity. You may struggle with feelings of inadequacy, shame, or unworthiness, stemming from early experiences of rejection or neglect. This can show up in negative self-talk, perfectionism, validation-seeking behaviors, self-doubt, or comparing yourself to others.

4. People-Pleasing Behavior

People-pleasing behaviors are a way to seek validation and avoid conflict. As a child, this may have been one way to feel a connection with your caregivers. You might be prone to putting others’ needs over your own, suppressing real emotions, and struggling to assert yourself.

While people-pleasing might temporarily soothe anxiety, it ultimately disconnects you from yourself.

5. Emotional Dysregulation

Difficulty regulating emotions is another common sign of unhealed attachment trauma. This can manifest as intense mood swings, impulsivity, or feeling overwhelmed by intense feelings like anger, sadness, or anxiety. Without healthy coping mechanisms, it’s easy to fall into the trap of negative soothing behaviors like substance abuse or self-harm.

6. Trust Issues

Because a lack of trust is at the heart of attachment trauma, it’s hard to trust others as an adult. You might assume the worst of someone’s intentions or struggle with authentic interactions. As a result, forming deeper adult relationships becomes difficult.

7. Fear of Intimacy

Intimacy can be particularly scary for those with unhealed attachment trauma because it requires vulnerability and the risk of being hurt. You might avoid intimacy altogether or sabotage relationships when they start to become too close.

This fear of intimacy can look like emotional detachment, difficulty expressing emotions, or sticking to surface-level connections with others.

8. Perfectionism

In an attempt to regain a sense of safety, security, and control over their lives, a person with unhealed attachment trauma may grow up to be a perfectionist. This can manifest in becoming a workaholic, obsessively striving for success, micromanaging situations, or sticking to a strict schedule.

Do You Have Unhealed Attachment Trauma?

If your unhealed attachment trauma is affecting your adult life and relationships, it’s time to talk to a mental health professional. In therapy, you can explore your childhood and relationships with your past caregivers and relearn how to communicate with others. You’ll also develop a strong foundation for improving your self-esteem and resilience.

To find out more about how anxiety therapy can help heal attachment trauma, please reach out to us.