Can a Narcissist Change?
The short answer is yes. But there’s plenty of context to consider. Gathering this context involves some deep self-education along with, of course, working with a qualified professional. If you’re someone who’s waiting and hoping for a narcissist to change, you’ll need to be realistic about the situation without sliding into despair or denial.
Generally speaking, you have people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) at the extreme end of the spectrum. They can change but not without help and, more importantly, not without a strong personal commitment. As I’ve discussed in a previous post, there are many other forms of narcissism. Each of them brings with them distinct factors and possibilities.
A Couple of Encouraging Signs That Suggest a Narcissist Can Possibly Change
Empathy
Someone with narcissism can feel and express empathy — and continue to develop more of it. Most often, the narcissist in your life doesn’t think about others or about how their own behaviors might impact others. However, they are capable of such empathy, and signs of this are reasons for cautious optimism.
Self-Awareness
If you’re expecting self-reflection from a narcissist, you might be waiting forever. But, again, it does happen. Here’s what you’re watching for:
Getting informed about narcissism
Wanting to know why they feel and act as they do
Becoming comfortable complimenting others and viewing them as equals
Sincerely apologies
Rejecting all-or-nothing thinking
A Few Signs That a Narcissist May Be Unlikely to Change
A Good Start, But Then…
Narcissists are notorious for love-bombing. They win you over at the start by being on their best behavior, but things go downhill quickly.
No Accountability
When they do something patently wrong and know it, a narcissist may not acknowledge their transgression or express remorse for it. In fact, the same type of behavior keeps happening.
Gaslighting
In their own eyes, a narcissist never feels they are in the wrong. When proven otherwise, they have a repertoire of tactics — gaslighting being a top choice — to reframe the situation in their favor. Someone who just keeps doing this is not on the path toward positive change.
But Why Is It So Hard to Leave a Narcissist?
This is the oft-repeated question. If the person is so bad, why do you stay? Well, life isn’t that simple — especially when a narcissist uses conscious or unconscious techniques like:
The aforementioned love bombing
Using their charm to make you feel you need them
Initially defending and/or protecting you when needed
Manipulating you by running hot and cold with affection and attention
Getting you to rely on them as a source of self-esteem
Like a form of addiction, a narcissist can lure you into choices and behaviors you never imagined yourself indulging in. They promise they will change — and some will — but just as often, this is part of their pattern.
How Can You Manage This Scenario?
You may have a partner, a family member, a close friend, or a business associate who is a narcissist. There are valid reasons why you want to be around them, but when you allow yourself to see them, there are just as many reasons to move on. You’re losing self-confidence, doubting yourself, perhaps even questioning your sanity.
A huge first step is to remind yourself that this is not your fault. From this foundation, you must connect with a counselor who can guide you on this tricky path. Will the narcissist in your life change? If not, what are your options, and how can you find the will to pick one? With the help of a trauma therapist, you can face these questions with grace, confidence, and discernment.
