How Do I Know If Someone Is Gaslighting Me?
The concept of gaslighting has become a major topic of discussion on social media — primarily related to romantic relationships. But did you know that you can also face gaslighting from friends, family members, neighbors, co-workers, or even online acquaintances? This behavior is a version of emotional abuse and is far more common than most people realize.
In a world often governed by fear and pride, it’s to be expected that there would be some deception and mind games. Gaslighting — a term borrowed from a popular play and film — is a method of getting others to question their own perceptions. Once you’re unsure of what you believe, you are vulnerable to all kinds of manipulation.
How Do I Know If Someone is Gaslighting Me?
First and foremost, you are being lied to. So, you may have to tune into your intuition to get a sense of when something feels “off.” A gaslighter — for a variety of reasons — tells lies. When there’s any risk of those fabrications being exposed, such a person will put you on the defensive. For example, they’ll distort the facts and call you “crazy” for not remembering what “really” happened.
The lies and half-truths of a gaslighter arrive in many forms. Here are two prime examples:
Distractions
If you get close to the truth, expect deflections from anyone gaslighting you. They derail the conversation to get you to lose focus. Then, they’ll put the attention on you. The goal is to make you question yourself. If they tell you, over and over, that you’re overly sensitive, forgetful, or defensive, it can start to sound more true than your self-perception.
Invalidation
Theoretically, this is a form of distraction (see above), but it deserves its own category. The gaslighter lies and exaggerates. You point out that you remember things differently. To discredit your attempt to challenge them, a gaslighting person may assume a position of faux concern. They wonder why you appear so unstable and emotional. They tell others they’re worried about you. This leads other people to gaslight you unintentionally; the cumulative effect is that you question your sanity.
How to Deal with Gaslighting
Gaslighting is insidious and can build very slowly over time. In such a setting, you can lose your bearings — no longer remembering when the behaviors started and losing track of who said what. Of course, this serves as fuel to be used against you. Thus, you’ll want to take stock.
Take time for yourself. Talk to people you trust. The idea is to assess what’s been happening in your mind lately. Here are some red flags to look for:
You’re regularly second-guessing yourself — even about trivial matters
The criticisms you hear about your behaviors stop feeling wrong
You now consider yourself someone with unreliable opinions and memories
You’re reflexively apologizing all the time
It has reached the point where you don’t trust your view of reality
These are not signs to be ignored. Your first steps might be to gather the evidence and support you’ll need to confront your abuser. In this digital age, you might keep screenshots documenting what’s been said and when. If necessary, you may have to record conversations.
When you’ve gathered your thoughts and evidence, it could be helpful to gather support before you stand up to the gaslighter. In a very private way, talk with people you inherently trust to get advice and input. Then it’s time to tell the gaslighter that you know what they’re doing and others agree with you.
They will likely respond with more lies. If you don’t feel ready for this confrontation, speaking with a narcissistic abuse counselor to get professional guidance could be best. Reach out to my office today to set up an appointment.
