5 Signs of Unhealed Attachment Trauma
When you cross paths with a couple, it’s not uncommon to ask how they met. But what about why they met? What deeply rooted factors can lead two people to experience what feels like attraction? You might be surprised to learn that many seemingly invisible elements will influence how you form attachments with others — friends, lovers, and more.
There is a time in our lives when we are fully dependent on the intentions and actions of our caregivers (usually parents). Far too often, this can involve abuse, neglect, abandonment, and more. Children can’t understand such scenarios and lack the language skills to talk about them. As a result, attachment trauma can emerge to shape their decisions well into adulthood.
What is Attachment Trauma?
According to attachment theory, factors during our childhood play an outsized role in whether or not we become secure or anxious about connecting with others. If your parents or caretakers were reliable and offered a nurturing, safe environment, you would likely become an adult with a secure attachment style. However, many factors bring about the opposite result. This includes but is not limited to:
Your basic needs are not met or perhaps not even acknowledged
You faced physical, emotional, or sexual abuse
At a young age, you suffered a traumatic loss via death, divorce, or incarceration
Your parents, caretakers, or siblings were controlling
Boundaries were non-existent
You grew up in a household that involved domestic violence, substance use, chronic illness or disability, etc.
In other words, dysfunction became normalized in your mind because troubled individuals were modeling all you knew about human interactions. Your perceptions and social skills are skewed; here you are, as an adult, trying to navigate relationships and other social bonds.
5 Signs of Unhealed Attachment Trauma
1. Relationship Problems
This is the obvious, almost universal outcome. However, it’s not as if everyone else is having a smooth time with relationships. The goal isn’t perfection. What you’ll want to do is partake in an honest assessment of your history — particularly when it comes to romance. If ongoing patterns begin to jump at you, this could be a sign of unhealed attachment trauma.
2. Low Self-Esteem
Anyone who did not receive the care they needed as a child is probably going to have some issues when it comes to their self-image.
3. Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Attachment trauma breeds distrust. The people you needed most did not come through for you when you were at your most vulnerable. Thus, as you move into adulthood, you may unconsciously sabotage relationships and friendships because you cannot allow yourself to risk trusting the other person.
4. Self-Numbing
Trauma is painful and can make you consider trying to self-medicate. People with attachment trauma are susceptible to choosing activities that numb them to the pain. For example:
Substance abuse
Distractions like gaming, gambling, and pornography
Keeping yourself so busy that everyone can see you’re “too busy” for a social life
Attempting to control all aspects of your life to “avoid” any type of risk
5. Mysterious Symptoms
You may experience appetite swings or sleep disturbances. Low energy might surface or, just as likely, ongoing muscle aches and tension. Symptoms like this seem to have no obvious source until you realize that trauma of any type can have a long-term and diverse impact.
Good News: You Can Heal From Attachment Trauma
No one has to remain in an attachment style that is hampering their well-being. With guidance from a trauma-informed therapist, you can hone your communication skills, learn how to set boundaries, and fortify your self-esteem. This will enable you to resolve childhood trauma as you move forward into a more enriching life. Contact my office today to learn more about trauma therapy and see how we can work together toward your healing.
