Making Conflict Healthy: How to Make Your Partner Your Ally, Not Your Enemy
Every couple has disagreements. If you and your partner don’t fight, it’s not because you’ve discovered something no one else has. More likely, you’re suppressing some emotions in the name of avoiding conflict. When handled in a healthy manner, conflict is nothing to fear. In fact, it’s an excellent opportunity to learn and grow.
Once you’ve relieved yourselves of the unrealistic expectation of “happily ever after,” you can allocate time and energy to making conflict healthy. When the inevitable misunderstandings occur, you can choose to see your partner as your ally — despite the discomfort. From there, you can build on this feeling by working together to make healthy conflict resolution a priority.
How to Make Your Partner Your Ally, Not Your Enemy
This process begins with a shared commitment to healthy communication. You can be in the midst of a contentious discussion without devolving into counterproductive behaviors. Your relationship requires both of you to stay respectful, hone your listening skills, and understand that the goal is about resolution, not winning. Here are some fundamental suggestions:
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
There is never a valid reason to treat each other without respect. In times of emotional conflict, this can feel challenging. Therefore, before a fight happens, think about the steps you need to take, e.g.:
No insults
Avoid passive-aggressive gestures like sarcasm or the silent treatment
“You” statements
Aggressive body language
Raising your voice
Threats of any kind
Lay a foundation of respect from which you can do the lifelong work of creating a productive communication style.
Trust Each Other Enough to Be Direct
When dealing with an ally, you’ll want to avoid vagueness or subterfuge. For example, you may become aware that you fight over the same seemingly trivial issues. You might have nightly squabble about doing the dishes. The odds are that there’s something bigger brewing beneath this pattern. Talk openly about it. This is how you find out if some needs are not being met, thus creating fertile ground for conflicts.
Do Not Compete With Your Partner
Catch yourself before a disagreement turns into a desire to “win.” The only way you win is if the issue is peacefully resolved and both of you feel good about it. Stay curious to learn why you’re currently not on the same page, and savor the chance to discover something new about your partner. Even if your partner’s viewpoint doesn’t change your mind, it is a powerful sign of love to respectfully hear them out.
On a related note, accept the fact that most issues are not worth fighting about. You are free to agree to disagree. Relationships involve compromise and some sacrifices. Work together to decide when such steps make the most sense. When necessary, set boundaries while respecting your partner’s boundaries.
Be Patient With the Process
Not every conflict needs immediate resolution. Develop the discernment needed to know when to take breaks and give each other space to think and cool down. Determinate, you can disagree strongly about something without destroying your entire relationship.
Hold Yourself Accountable
There will be fights for which one partner is more responsible than the other. Be ready to take responsibility for your words and actions. Show remorse. Offer an authentic apology. And when you receive an apology, understand that you can forgive someone without condoning their behavior.
You May Need Some Professional Guidance
There’s something quite unique about disagreeing with your partner. If you can’t seem to find ways to do so without becoming “enemies,” ask for help. A therapist can be the experienced, unbiased guide you need. Let’s talk about couples therapy soon.
