How to Handle Grief Shaming, From Others and Ourselves
Grief shows up in many ways and for many reasons. What is often understood as an emotional rollercoaster of emotions you experience after losing a loved one can also be encountered after a relational loss, children leaving the nest, and even when processing trauma and unmet childhood needs.
Often, family, friends, and loved ones can rally around you during loss; however, you may find that some cannot witness grief and may even add a layer of shame to your suffering. Grief shaming is the intrinsic belief that “Something about me is wrong or broken in this grief process,” “I’m doing this wrong,” or from others, “I can’t handle how your grief is impacting me.” Shame is sinister and profoundly rooted in societal beliefs and expectations.
Here’s how you can handle grief shame—when it comes from yourself and others.
Shamed by Others
A specific kind of wound is opened when people around you shame you for your grief process. Specifically, it is a violation of authenticity and trust. Being shamed by others may look like snide comments about your physical appearance, comments about the timeline of grief, or any minimization of your experience. Grief is heavy and nuanced; try the following to stay true to your process:
1. Grief is personal.
Remember, how other people react to your grieving is on them. You are not responsible for making them feel comfortable or making your loss more palatable. You may, however, want to take a mental note of who these people are.
2. Protect your grieving space.
This may mean limiting contact with unsupportive family members or allowing yourself to be more vulnerable around certain friends.
3. Call out shame.
Confide in a trusted friend. Calling out shame can be as simple as saying, “There isn’t a timeline on this process,” or “I know I’m processing this sadness to its fullest extent.”
Shamed by Yourself
No one wants to navigate the waters of grief. They are murky, cold, lonely, and confusing, after all. But, when we must grieve, watch the words you’re saying to yourself.
1. Stop shoulding yourself.
“Should” is a complex term. Society, families, and even some religious communities will have a laundry list of ways you should be. In grief, all bets are off. Because shoulding yourself is often used to keep others comfortable, to compare, or to keep yourself accountable, try offloading that pressure onto someone else, like a therapist or grief coach. When you get caught in a should statement such as “My spouse passed 6 months ago, I should be able to go into our bedroom by now,” or “I shouldn’t be so sensitive when I see other people with their partners,” write it down on a piece of paper and throw it away.
2. Give yourself time to grieve daily.
Allow yourself the space to grieve. Schedule it. Plan it out. At times you may need a comforting blanket in bed, and other times, you may need to run and scream through a field. Look for opportunities to express your grief in different spaces.
3. Listen for self-judgment.
When self-judgment shows up, try to neutralize those comments by volunteering or attending a grief group. Focusing on others allows us to shift our internal dialogue to empathy and understanding.
Navigating through grief may look like showing up as angry, frustrated, confused, or in sheer disbelief. Remember that the only way to get to the other side of grief is through it. Watch for those who remind you of this and for the people who can support you on this journey.
As always, if your loss feels overwhelming and you’re unable to process your emotions, seek out the services of a mental health therapist. Therapists are trained to witness your grief in powerful ways.
Let’s connect soon so you can learn more about grief counseling and how it can help through cope with this massive change.
