4 Ways to Identify Narcissistic Abuse in a Relationship
Narcissism has become a common identifier for the world’s self-promoting and overly selfish people. Colloquially, a narcissist is anyone who thinks of themselves before others. Clinically, narcissism is a complex personality disorder (NPD). At the same time, not all narcissists are abusive; intimate partner violence and relational abuse rates tend to rise when a narcissism diagnosis is at hand.
Unfortunately, and frustratingly, the last place someone with narcissistic traits wants to be is in a room with a therapist, so diagnosis is unlikely and rare.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-TR-V) outlines NPD as 5 of the following nine symptoms:
An exaggerated sense of self-importance
Preoccupation with power, success, beauty, and importance in general
Belief in one’s superior status or ability and rigid thoughts around who they should and shouldn’t spend time with.
Requires excessive admiration
Entitled
Exploitive
Lack of Empathy
Envy-ridden or believe that they are enviable
Arrogance
Narcissism, at its core, leaves very little space for anyone else. This can become muddied and toxic in relationships when the primary need of one individual is to be built up at all times. Without the ability to empathize, understanding the partner’s needs can be nearly impossible for narcissistic partners who operate in contractual or self-preserving ways. With that said, identifying narcissistic abuse is crucial. The earlier you can detect hallmark signs of this abuse, the faster you can take action. Here’s what to look out for:
4 Signs of Narcissistic Abuse
1. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of abuse where the abuser lies, bends the truth, and manipulates the victim, causing them to question their reality.
2. Love-Bombing
Love-bombing is a term used for a period of grooming where a narcissist showers you with gifts, attention, affection, and affirmation. This can happen at the beginning of a relationship or when a narcissist falls out of favor with another person. They may even volley between family members, love-bombing one while withholding from another.
3. Emotional Manipulation
Manipulation is the name of the game for individuals with NPD. Guilt, shame, threats, and withholding patterns disrupt the emotional equilibrium of people in their lives. Their hope for control can be damaging and destabilizing.
4. Boundary Violations
Violations of boundaries happen slowly and covertly. You may be asked to give up personal items or time, leading to isolation from friends and the inability to do anything outside the narcissist’s domain.
How to Protect Yourself
Protecting yourself from these forms of relational abuse is crucial to your overall wellness.
1. Trust Your Gut
It may be hard to hear, especially if you’ve been in this vicious relational cycle for a while, but your gut is correct. Something isn’t right. Don’t ignore your instincts.
2. Set Firm Boundaries
Be clear with your loved one. Tell them what you are not willing to accept in the relationship.
3. Find Support
Be it a support group or a trusting friend, find someone to support you through this process. Narcissistic abuse is inherently isolating—so fight back by getting social.
4. Say Goodbye
Ending the relationship may sound daunting. You may even have negative internal thoughts about yourself that aren’t true because of how you’ve been treated throughout the relationship. Remember, you are worthy of a safe relationship.
5. Go Greyrock
If you must remain in the relationship for any reason, be it children or shared space, become as unresponsive or dull as possible for the narcissist. Let yourself live your life but don’t flash it for the narcissist to see. The key is to disengage with the narcissist.
Narcissistic abuse is a severe form of abuse. It can have a lasting impact on the family and loved ones of the narcissistic. Protecting yourself is the number one priority. If you’re in a relationship or have a loved one who you suspect has narcissistic personality disorder, don’t hesitate to contact us to seek relationship counseling. We can help you feel supported, process your experience, and provide additional resources.
